Becoming a Better Partner

The best partners you know

Think of the best partnership you know personally - a couple, two colleagues, two friends, a duo in your family. Not a famous one: one you have watched with your own eyes.

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TELL YOUR GROUP

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1. who they are

2. how long they have been at it

3. one thing they do that other pairs do not

DISCUSS

What did they have in common?

In pairs, then as a group.

• What did the partnerships you described have in common?

• Were the qualities you mentioned things people do, or things people are? Does the difference matter?

• Is being a good partner a talent - or a skill you can train?

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THE NUMBERS GAME

In pairs, guess each answer.

1. What percentage of promising startups fail primarily because the co-founders fall out?

2. Investors Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger ran a company together without a written contract. For how many years?

3. In the 1980s, scientists held a computer tournament to find the best strategy for cooperation. The winning program was famously short. How many lines of code?

4. According to one well-known study, how many hours together does it take to turn an acquaintance into a close friend?

5. Roughly what proportion of first marriages in the UK end in divorce?

THE TRUTH

How close were you?

1. About 65% - conflict between co-founders, not competition, is the biggest startup killer.

2. 64 years - from 1959 until Munger’s death in 2023. A handshake was enough.

3. Four. More on this shortly.

4. Around 200 hours.

5. Around 40%.

Which number surprised you most? Which one worries you most?

BRAINSTORM · IN PAIRS

The formula

Here is a claim: whether it is a marriage, a friendship or a company, the same few ingredients appear in every partnership that works.

Before I show you the list: come up with your own list of the ingredients every successful partnership needs. Let's see if we can reach 10 as a group.

1. ____________________

2. ____________________

3. ____________________

4. ____________________

5. ____________________

6. ____________________

7. ____________________

8. ____________________

9. ____________________

10. ____________________

BRAINSTORM

Your list

THE TRUTH

The Big Five

1. Reciprocity - both sides give, and both sides get. A one-way partnership is not a partnership.

2. Complementarity - different strengths that fit together. If you are identical, one of you is unnecessary.

3. Communication - clear signals, in both directions, especially about problems.

4. Trust - each side can rely on the other tomorrow, not just today.

5. A shared goal - something neither side can reach alone.

How many of these ideas did you mention?

Do any of yours deserve a place on the list ahead of any of these?

JIGSAW READING

Case files

Two case files: one about a computer tournament that discovered the rules of cooperation, and one about a partnership that lasted sixty-four years on a handshake.

STUDENT A

STUDENT B

The Tournament

The Sixty-Year Handshake

As you read, think about your answers to the following questions.

1. Who are the people involved?

2. What is the key finding - or the secret?

3. Which of our Big Five does it confirm?

CASE FILE A · STUDENT A

The Tournament

image: https://fordschool.umich.edu/faculty/robert-axelrod

The nicest strategy won.

In 1980, political scientist Robert Axelrod organised a strange tournament: computer programs would play each other, over and over, in a game where each side could either cooperate or cheat. Cheating against a cooperator won you points; two cheaters got almost nothing.

Game theorists from around the world submitted clever, complicated, aggressive programs. The winner - submitted by psychologist Anatol Rapoport - was four lines long. Called Tit for Tat, it followed the simplest imaginable policy: start by cooperating, then do whatever the other player did last time.

Axelrod studied why it beat everything else and found four properties. It was nice: it never cheated first. It was retaliatory: cheat it, and it answered immediately - it was no pushover. It was forgiving: the moment you returned to cooperating, it let the past go. And it was clear: opponents quickly understood the deal, and stopped trying to exploit it.

Axelrod's conclusion has been applied to everything from price wars to peace negotiations: cooperation does not require kindness, trust or even a brain. It requires good rules.

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CASE FILE B · STUDENT B

The Sixty-Year Handshake

image: https://www.instagram.com/p/DF-7XLlSFBa/

They disagreed constantly - and never had a fight.

Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger met at a dinner in Omaha in 1959 and talked until the other guests went home. For the next sixty-four years, they ran Berkshire Hathaway together and turned it into one of the most valuable companies in history - without ever signing a partnership contract.

Their styles were opposites: Buffett hunted for bargains; Munger persuaded him that it was "far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price" - advice Buffett credits with changing his entire career.

They disagreed constantly, and both insisted they never once had a fight. Buffett liked to quote his partner's way of ending arguments: "Warren, think it over and you'll agree with me - because you're smart and I'm right."

Munger worked alongside Buffett until his death in 2023, a month before his 100th birthday. Asked for the secret, both gave the same answer, and it was not about money: find a partner who is better than you at something, and never pretend otherwise.

PICTURE

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SUMMARISE

Now summarise what you have read for your partner

Things to include:

1. who are the people involved?

2. what is the key finding - or the secret?

3. which of the Big Five does your case file confirm?

DISCUSS

Talent, or skill?

Take them in any order.

1. Why do some partnerships last for decades while others explode within months? Luck, chemistry, or skill?

2. Axelrod’s computers found that forgiveness was essential for cooperation to survive. Do you think forgiveness is underrated or overrated between humans?

3. Is being a good business partner the same skill as being a good spouse or a good friend - or would Buffett make a terrible husband?

4. 65% of startups die because the founders fall out. Should co-founders go to couples therapy? (This genuinely exists.)

PICTURE

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CREATIVE TASK

Improving a current partnership

First, alone, think of any kind of partnership you're currently in that could be improved. It can be anything, including ...

friends · colleagues · a romantic partner · you and your cat · you and your AI

THINK ABOUT

- how long you've been in this partnership

- why it's important

- what's going well

- what could be improved

- what simple, quick fixes you can implement today

- how you can strategise for long-term improvements

When you're ready, present your idea to your partner (2-3 mins) then listen to your partner's talk (2-3). Finally, give feedback on each other's plan.