Games People Play — Transactional Analysis 7 (C1)

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS · LESSON 7

Games People Play

C1 (B2–C2) · 90 minutes

The advice that never lands

Task What does Marisol really want from this conversation? Choose one letter and be ready to say why.

1. Marisol: My flatmate never does the washing-up. The kitchen is a disaster.

A

Practical advice

2. Kenji: Why don't you make a rota and stick it on the fridge?

B

Sympathy

3. Marisol: Yes, but she'd just ignore it.

4. Amara: Why don't you talk to her properly, over coffee?

5. Marisol: Yes, but I tried that in March. Nothing changed.

C

To show that nobody can solve her problem

6. Lukas: Why don't you just move out?

7. Marisol: Yes, but rents in this city are impossible.

8. Priya: Why don't you buy a small dishwasher?

D

Something to talk about, so there's no awkward silence

9. Marisol: Yes, but there's no space for one.

10. Marisol: (after a long silence) Well. I suppose nobody can help.

E

Something else

READING

What makes a game

In Games People Play (1964), Eric Berne defined a game as "an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome." Each part of the definition does work. Ulterior: every move carries two messages, a reasonable social one and a hidden psychological one (Lesson 4). Complementary: the other person answers the hidden message too, so the exchange runs smoothly instead of crossing. Predictable: the players have been

here before.

Berne separated games from the rituals and pastimes of Lesson 6. Those may be dull or useful, but they are candid: what you see is what is happening. Games add two things, a concealed motive and a payoff. His clearest contrast concerns reassurance. If you openly ask for reassurance and receive it, that is an honest exchange, which he called an operation. If you ask for reassurance and then turn it against the person who gave it, that is a game.

READING · CONTINUED

What makes a game

Three further points matter. First, "game" implies neither fun nor a plan. Berne was interested in games played by ordinary people largely unaware of what they were doing; deliberate manipulation is a different thing, closer to a confidence trick. Second, games repeat: people return to the same few patterns, sometimes for years. Third, the ending usually leaves at least one player with a familiar bad feeling.

Later TA writers call this a racket feeling. The idea, developed by

Fanita English in the early 1970s, is that children learn which feelings their family allows, and use those in place of the ones that are not allowed. A child whose anger was unwelcome might learn to feel hurt instead, and as an adult return to that same hurt in many different situations.

Game theory in TA has always been easier to apply than to test. It grew from clinical observation rather than controlled research, and research support remains thin.

Formula G

C

+

G

=

R

S

X

P

Con

Gimmick

Response

Switch

Cross-up

Payoff

Formula G

• Con: the opening move, with a hidden hook. Marisol presents a problem as if she wants advice.

• Gimmick: the weak spot in the other person that the con catches. Her friends' wish to be helpful and wise.

• Response: the moves that follow, smooth on the surface. "Why don't you…?" / "Yes, but…"

• Switch: a player changes position and the hidden aim shows. The helpers have become the ones who failed.

• Cross-up: a moment of confusion as the switch lands. The long silence.

• Payoff: what each player takes away. Marisol: proof that nobody can help. The others: frustration, feeling useless.

In his last book, What Do You Say After You Say Hello? (1972), Berne turned the formula into a test: a sequence that fits it is a game, and one that doesn't is not. Later writers disputed the details. Marilyn Zalcman (1990), for example, questioned whether the cross-up belongs in the formula at all.

READING

Five classic games

Why Don't You – Yes But (YDYB). Berne said this game first gave him the idea of games, and it was the one he saw most often at parties and in groups. One player presents a problem; others offer solutions beginning "Why don't you…?"; each is turned down with "Yes, but…". The purpose is not to find a solution but to reject them. The payoff is the defeated silence when everyone runs out of ideas: it shows that the helpers, not the player, are inadequate.

Kick Me. The player behaves as if wearing a sign that says "Please don't

kick me", and others find the invitation hard to resist. When the kick comes (a rejection, a lost job), the player asks why this always happens to them. Berne noticed a trace of inverse pride: my misfortunes are bigger than yours.

NIGYSOB. Berne's full title, "Now I've Got You…", ends in an American insult, so TA uses the initials. The player waits for someone to put a foot wrong, then pounces with far more anger than the mistake deserves. In Berne's example, a man agreed a fixed price with a plumber.

READING · CONTINUED

Five classic games

When the bill included about four dollars extra on a four-hundred-dollar job, he attacked the plumber's whole character. The small fault justified a large, long-stored rage.

Ain't It Awful. Often just a pastime: shared complaints about "nowadays", with no payoff. It becomes a game when someone openly displays distress but is secretly gratified by what the misfortune brings: sympathy, attention, freedom from responsibility. Berne's most dramatic example was patients who sought operation after operation.

If It Weren't For You (IWFY). Berne's first worked example. A woman complained that her domineering husband restricted her social life, so she had never learned to dance. When he became more relaxed, she enrolled in dance classes and discovered she was terrified of dance floors. Without knowing it, she had chosen a husband whose rules protected her from her own fear, while letting her blame him.

Case file 1 · The late report

Task For each case file, name the con, the gimmick, the switch and each player's payoff. Then name the game. Write one line for each.

1. Tariq: Sorry, Ines. The report's late again. I just couldn't get started.

2. Ines: That's the third time this month, Tariq.

3. Tariq: I know. I'm hopeless. You should probably shout at me.

4. Ines: I'm not going to shout. Can you have it by Friday?

5. Tariq: Probably not. I'll probably mess that up too.

6. Ines: Then maybe this project isn't right for you.

7. Tariq: There it is. Why does this always happen to me?

Case file 2 · The holiday villa

Task Same task: con, gimmick, switch, each player's payoff, and the name of the game.

1. Dmitri: Before we book: we split the villa four ways, and no extras. Agreed?

2. Chiara: Agreed. I'll send the final total tonight.

3. Chiara: (that night) Done. I added €12 each for the cleaning fee. It was on the booking page.

4. Dmitri: We said no extras. Clearly.

5. Chiara: It's twelve euros, Dmitri. The fee is compulsory.

6. Dmitri: It's not the money. You never stick to what you agree. Remember the concert tickets?

7. Chiara: That's not fair…

8. Dmitri: I knew it. I was only waiting to see how long it would take.

Case file 3 · The trip to Lisbon

Task Same task: con, gimmick, switch, each player's payoff, and the name of the game.

Hana has been afraid of flying since she was a teenager. She has never told anyone how afraid.

1. Hana: Sanjay's team are going to Lisbon in May. I'd love to travel like that.

2. Ravi: And who would look after the children? Be realistic.

3. Hana: You see? This is why I never do anything.

4. Ravi: I'm only saying what's practical.

5. Hana: It's always "practical" with you. I could have had a whole life.

6. Ravi: All right, I'm sorry. Shall we go out for dinner on Saturday?

7. Hana: That's not the point… but fine.

Spot the game

Task For each scenario, write G (game), H (honest exchange) or ? (can't tell). For every G, name what is concealed and what the payoff is. For every ?, say what you would need to know.

G game · H honest exchange · ? can't tell

1. Wen asks her sister to check her CV before an interview. Her sister suggests three changes; Wen makes two and thanks her.

2. At every family dinner, Óscar describes how badly his boss treats him. Each suggestion of a new job gets a reason why it would never work, and the meal ends in tired silence.

3. After her flight is cancelled, Zanele writes an angry review and asks the airline for a refund. She gets it and stops posting.

4. Every Monday, Mateus tells colleagues about his latest medical test and how no doctor can find the cause. He seems oddly cheerful while describing each new problem.

5. Leila tells a friend she feels low and asks for a hug. She gets one and feels a little better.

READING

Degrees and the way out

Berne graded games by severity. A first-degree game is socially acceptable in the player's circle: a round of "Why Don't You – Yes But" over dinner. A second-degree game does no permanent damage, but the players would rather hide it from others: a row that leaves a couple not speaking for a week. A third-degree game is played without limits, and ends, in Berne's grim list, in surgery, the courtroom or the morgue. He also noted that a game can harden over time, from first degree towards third.

Berne's term for the move that stops a game is the antithesis. A game needs a partner, so it survives only if someone takes the bait. He described two ways to stop one: refuse to play, or remove the payoff. Against YDYB, don't offer solutions; acknowledge the

problem and hand it back: That sounds hard. What are you going to do? Against IWFY, give permission: when the husband says "Go ahead", the excuse disappears and the fear underneath comes into view. Against NIGYSOB, behave correctly and agree the rules early, so there is no slip to pounce on; if a mistake does happen, concede it gracefully.

A warning comes with this. Berne observed that when a game is refused, the player often first tries harder to keep it going. Refusing is therefore not a single clever line but a steady position, held politely. When it works, the moment can end in something better than a payoff: shared recognition, even laughter, as a player sees the pattern for what it is.

Degrees and the way out

1st degree: socially acceptable

2nd degree: hidden from others

3rd degree: lasting harm

Write the antithesis

Task Choose one scene: Marisol and her friends, Tariq and Ines, Dmitri and Chiara, or Hana and Ravi. Rewrite it from the line where the game could be refused, in no more than eight lines. The player who refuses must stay kind and honest. Include one line where the other player pushes back, and show how the refuser holds steady.

Three moves to try:

• Don't take the bait: answer the open message, not the hidden one.

• Remove the payoff: leave nothing to win.

• Name the rules early: make the agreement so clear that there is no slip to catch.

Is it a game?

1. Is calling someone's behaviour "a game" itself a way to win an argument?

2. If players don't know they're playing, should they be held responsible for the game?

3. Where you live, which of today's five games would people recognise first: at work, in families, in politics?

4. Can a game be good for a group? Could "Ain't It Awful" hold friends together?

5. Does social media reward games like "Ain't It Awful" and NIGYSOB?

6. Is TA's language of games a useful tool, or a way of making other people look dishonest?

Private reflection

Task Choose one prompt and write privately. Nobody will read what you write. Sharing afterwards is optional.

Prompt 1

Think of a conversation, from a film, a book or life, that always seems to end the same way. What might each person be getting from it?

Prompt 2 (lighter)

Invent a name, in Berne's style, for a game you have seen in a film, a TV series or a workplace. Describe its con and its payoff in one line each.

Back to Marisol

What does Marisol really want? Choose a letter again. Has your answer changed?

A. Practical advice

B. Sympathy

C. To show that nobody can solve her problem

D. Something to talk about, so there's no awkward silence

E. Something else

This week, notice one conversation that ends with the same feeling as last time. Don't name it as a game to anyone. Just notice who started it, and how it ended.

Next lesson: The Drama Triangle and the Way Out. Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim, and how the switch in a game moves people between them.

TEACHER'S REFERENCE · SKIP OR DELETE BEFORE CLASS

Answer key (1)

THE ADVICE THAT NEVER LANDS / BACK TO MARISOL

There is no single right letter, but Berne's reading of this game is C: the payoff of "Why Don't You – Yes But" is the silence that shows nobody can help. D also has support in Berne's own case material: one player of this game told him she kept conversations going this way because she could not bear a lull. A genuinely helpless person may want A or B; the clue that this is a game is that every suggestion is rejected, including ones she may already have tried.

CASE FILE 1 · THE LATE REPORT: KICK ME

• Con: Tariq's apology invites punishment ("You should probably shout at me").

• Gimmick: Ines's growing frustration and her responsibility as the manager.

• Switch: Tariq moves from apologetic culprit to wronged victim ("There it is").

• Payoff: Tariq, the familiar hurt and proof that it always happens to him; Ines, guilt or irritation, unsure what she did wrong.

CASE FILE 2 · THE HOLIDAY VILLA: NIGYSOB

• Con: Dmitri's insistence on "no extras" sets up a rule that is easy to break.

• Gimmick: Chiara's tendency to deal with small details on her own.

• Switch: Dmitri moves from reasonable partner to prosecutor of Chiara's whole character ("You never stick to what you agree").

• Payoff: Dmitri, justified anger; Chiara, the familiar feeling of being blamed.

• Note: as in Berne's plumber example, the other player may be playing a game too. Chiara could be playing a version of Kick Me.

TEACHER'S REFERENCE · SKIP OR DELETE BEFORE CLASS

Answer key (2)

CASE FILE 3 · THE TRIP TO LISBON: IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU

• Con: Hana voices a wish that invites a "no".

• Gimmick: Ravi's readiness to be the practical, controlling one.

• Switch: Hana moves from wishful partner to accuser ("This is why I never do anything").

• Payoff: Hana, reassurance that it isn't her fear stopping her, plus a grievance and a dinner; Ravi, guilt, and the role of the sensible one.

• The italic note is the key: Ravi's "no" protects Hana from a fear she has never admitted. The antithesis is for Ravi to say "Go."

SPOT THE GAME accept well-argued alternatives, especially "?"

1 H. An honest request with a stated purpose, accepted and acted on: an operation.

2 G. "Why Don't You – Yes But". Concealed: the suggestions are not wanted. Payoff: the tired silence. The repetition at every dinner is a clue.

3 H. A complaint with a stated aim, which ends when the aim is met. A strong answer notes that if Zanele kept posting after the refund, it could become "Ain't It Awful".

4 ? Possibly "Ain't It Awful": open distress with apparent hidden gratification. But Mateus may simply be ill and coping with humour. Berne himself distinguished people who exploit a misfortune from people who simply suffer one. A label from outside is a guess, not a diagnosis.

5 H. Berne's own example of an operation: reassurance asked for openly and received, not turned against the giver.