Human partnerships

in pairs

In 4 minutes, try to brainstorm a list of subject-expert pairs.

e.g.

1 - physics - Einstein

your list

Add text

discuss

• How easy / difficult did you find it to come up with this list?

• While I can't tell for sure at the time of writing, I assume that most of you picked academic subjects. Is that because of the example that I led with or something else?

• Do you think people can be experts in human relationships in the same way they can be in academic subjects like mathematics and physics?

• Have you heard of any experts in any kinds of human relationships / partnerships?

So what do the experts say about human partnerships?

Student A: read about partnerships 1-5.

Student B: read about partnerships 6-10.

1: Parent–child

Jack Shonkoff, a Harvard professor and founding director of Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child, argues that responsive, two-way interaction is fundamental to a strong parent–child relationship. He calls this “serve and return”: when a child makes a sound, points at something or shows an emotion, the parent responds with attention and interest. Shonkoff explains that these repeated exchanges help build the child’s developing brain and teach them that other people are reliable and responsive. In other words, good parenting is not simply about giving instructions; it is about paying attention and responding.

2: Siblings

Megan Gilligan, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Iowa State University and a recipient of the university’s Mid-Career Achievement in Research award, studies sibling relationships across adulthood. She argues that siblings should not assume that closeness will happen automatically simply because they grew up together. Instead, they need to maintain the relationship throughout different stages of life. Her research shows that siblings can provide important emotional and practical support as they grow older. This is particularly important because sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationships people have.

3: Teacher–adult learner

Malcolm Knowles, often called the “father of adult learning,” was one of the most influential figures in the development of adult education and was inducted into the International Adult and Continuing Education Hall of Fame. He argued that adults learn best when they understand why they are learning something and how it is relevant to their lives. Unlike children, adult learners bring considerable experience and existing knowledge to the classroom, so teachers should not simply deliver information. They should involve learners in solving problems and allow them to take responsibility for their own learning.

4: Teacher–child learner

Robert Pianta, Dean Emeritus of the University of Virginia and a member of the National Academy of Education, has spent more than 40 years researching teacher–student relationships. He argues that teachers need to pay attention to small moments of interaction: noticing when a child is confused, distracted, excited or interested, and responding appropriately. His research suggests that strong relationships create a sense of security and trust, which makes learning easier. Pianta believes that effective teaching is therefore not only about explaining information; it is also about showing students that their teacher understands and supports them.

5: Mentor–mentee

David Clutterbuck, a pioneer of developmental mentoring and a co-founder of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, advises mentors to listen before giving advice. His research suggests that effective mentors hold back from immediately telling mentees what they should do and instead encourage them to explore their own ideas and problems. The reason is that mentoring is not simply about transferring knowledge from an experienced person to an inexperienced one. A good mentor helps the mentee become more independent and capable of making their own decisions. Clutterbuck was named a Thinkers50 Coaching Legend in 2024.

6: Therapist–patient

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology and a former president of the American Psychological Association, believed that a successful therapist–patient relationship begins with acceptance rather than judgement. His famous concept of “unconditional positive regard” means that therapists should accept their clients as people even when they disagree with their choices or behaviour. Rogers believed that people are more likely to understand themselves and change when they feel safe enough to be honest. His approach transformed psychotherapy, and he became the first recipient of the APA’s Distinguished Professional Contribution Award.

7: Trainer–athlete

Jim Taylor, an internationally recognised sport psychologist who has worked with the US and Japanese Ski Teams, the US Tennis Association and USA Triathlon, argues that trust is at the heart of productive relationships with athletes. He describes his own approach as direct and goal-oriented but also caring and supportive. Athletes need to know that their coach or trainer is their ally and genuinely wants them to succeed. Without that trust, even good technical or psychological advice may be ignored. Taylor also argues that athletes should develop their mental skills through consistent practice rather than expecting quick results before an important competition.

8: Colleagues

Adam Grant, an organisational psychologist at Wharton and one of the world’s most influential management thinkers, argues that successful colleagues should be “givers” rather than constant takers. His research suggests that workplaces function better when people willingly help one another, share knowledge and contribute to other people's success. However, Grant does not mean that employees should simply say yes to everything: effective giving also requires sensible boundaries. He has been Wharton’s top-rated professor for seven consecutive years and has received distinguished research awards from organisations including the American Psychological Association and National Science Foundation.

9: Friends

Arthur Aron, a psychologist whose research has focused extensively on close relationships and intimacy, argues that people can become closer by sharing meaningful experiences and revealing more about themselves. His research suggests that intimacy does not simply appear because two people spend a lot of time together. It develops when people gradually become more open and allow each other to see different sides of their personalities. This is one reason why trying something new together can strengthen a friendship: the experience creates opportunities for conversation, vulnerability and shared memories rather than simply adding more time together.

10: Co-founders

Noam Wasserman, a former Harvard Business School professor and author of The Founder’s Dilemmas, has studied thousands of startups to understand why founding teams succeed or fail. His key advice is to discuss difficult issues before they become problems. Co-founders should agree early on about roles, responsibilities, money and decision-making rather than assuming that everything will work itself out. Wasserman's research shows that people problems are a major cause of startup failure, and disagreements that seem minor at the beginning can become extremely difficult when the company becomes successful.

Now work in pairs.

Ask your partner to tell you about just THREE of the relationships they read about.

Student A, you can ask your partner about:

• therapist-patient

• trainer-athlete

• colleagues

• friends

• co-founders

Student B, you can ask your partner about:

• parent-child

• siblings

• teacher-adult learner

• teacher-child learner

• mentor-mentee

Discussion

• Which of the bits of advice did you find particularly interesting / useful?

• Were there any that seemed a bit obvious?

• Were there any that you disagreed with?

• Based on this advice, what things do you do well in these kinds of partnerships?

• ... and what things do you do badly?

Which important human partnership was not mentioned in the text?

Dr. John Gottman

World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, John Gottman has conducted 50 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. In addition to being named one of Psychotherapy Networker’s Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century, his work on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous major awards, including:

• Four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards

• The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Distinguished Research Scientist Award

• The American Family Therapy Academy Award for Most Distinguished Contributor to Family Systems Research

• The American Psychological Association Division of Family Psychology, Presidential Citation for Outstanding Lifetime Research Contribution

• The National Council of Family Relations, 1994 Burgess Award for Outstanding Career in Theory and Research

• Psychotherapy Networker Lifetime Achievement Award

https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/

Let's watch a video outlining Dr Gottman's 4 red flags for any relationship.

As you watch, take notes on the following:

1. What are the 4 red flags?

2. What is the antidote to each one?

Discussion

• So what were the four red flags and their antidotes?

• This is obviously a very short taster of Dr Gottman's work. Does it make you want to learn more about his work?

• While watching the video, did you think of any moments in the past when you or your partner were guilty of doing any of these things?

• Do you think it's realistic (or even possible) for people to educate themselves on how to become a better romantic partner and then actually implement these principles?

Finally, work in pairs and create THREE key points that are relevant to building any kind of human partnership.

When you're done, we'll collect everyone's lists.

your list

The experts' list

1. Build trust — People need to feel that they can rely on each other and be honest without fear of judgement.

2. Communicate openly — Talk about expectations, problems and feelings rather than allowing misunderstandings to build up.

3. Listen actively — A strong partnership requires genuinely trying to understand the other person's perspective, rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak.

4. Respect boundaries — Healthy relationships allow both people to maintain their independence, make their own decisions and say no when necessary.

5. Support each other's growth — The best partnerships don't just provide comfort; they encourage both people to learn, develop and become better at what they do.

Notes