Life Positions and Life Scripts — Transactional Analysis 9 (C1)

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS · LESSON 9

Life Positions and Life Scripts

C1 (B2–C2) · 90 minutes

Make a guess

Task Before you read anything, choose a letter for questions 1 and 2. Write them down: we come back to them at the end.

A

I'm OK – You're OK

B

I'm OK – You're not OK

C

I'm not OK – You're OK

D

I'm not OK – You're not OK

1. One famous TA writer claimed that most children reach one of these early in life. Which one?

2. Eric Berne disagreed. Which one did he think people start from?

3. Which one does the idea of "a good person" where you grew up seem to recommend?

1

TEXT 1

Four Ways of Being OK

Task Read the text. Then check your two guesses from the last slide, privately.

In 1962 Eric Berne published a short paper, "Classification of Positions", in the Transactional Analysis Bulletin. Early in life, he argued, each of us reaches a basic conclusion about our own worth and that of others. The two judgements combine into four life positions: I'm OK – You're OK, I'm OK – You're not OK, I'm not OK – You're OK and I'm not OK – You're not OK. For Berne, the position underlay a whole life: "Every game, script, and destiny then, is based on one of these

four basic positions."

The idea reached a mass audience through Thomas Harris's I'm OK – You're OK, which spent almost two years on the New York Times bestseller list from 1972. Harris argued that most children conclude I'm not OK – You're OK: small and dependent, surrounded by adults who seem to manage everything. Berne disagreed. He believed people start out OK, and that a not-OK position is learned.

1

TEXT 1 · CONTINUED

Four Ways of Being OK

In 1971 the psychiatrist Franklin Ernst turned the positions into a grid, the OK Corral. "I am OK" and "I am not OK" sit at either end of a horizontal line; "You are OK" and "You are not OK" at either end of a vertical one. Each quadrant has a social operation, the way an encounter ends: from OK–OK we get on with the other person; from OK–not OK we get rid of them; from not OK–OK we get away from them; from not OK–not OK we get nowhere with them. Ernst's key move was to make the positions mobile: everyone, he claimed, uses all

four every day.

So is a position a lifelong foundation, as Berne suggested, or a mood that shifts by the minute? Tony White (1994) proposed both: a stable character position underneath, shifting positions on the surface. He also asked whether the grid is symmetrical because people are, or because theorists like tidy boxes. Attachment researchers later tested a similar two-by-two grid empirically; TA's version rests mainly on clinical observation.

Sort onto the grid

Task In pairs, decide which quadrant each moment comes from, and write its letter in that quadrant. Then choose two letters and agree what might move that person into Get-On-With.

A. "It's quicker if I just do it myself. You'd only have to redo it."

B. "Let's put both plans side by side and keep the best parts of each."

C. At a party, Ines leaves early without saying goodbye, sure that everyone else is having a better time without her.

D. "What's the point? You can't fix this, I can't fix it, nobody can."

E. A manager sends an email listing everyone's mistakes and copies in the director.

F. "Sorry, sorry. You know much more about this than me. I'll stay quiet."

G. Two flatmates stop speaking, leave the dishes piling up, and each waits for the other to give in.

H. "Thanks for pointing that out. You're right; can you check my next draft too?"

You are OK

Get-Away-From

Get-On-With

I am not OK

I am OK

Get-Nowhere-With

Get-Rid-Of

You are not OK

2

TEXT 2

A Plan Made in Childhood

Task Read the text. Note one idea you find convincing and one you doubt.

Berne's last book, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, published in 1972, two years after his death, is devoted to a larger idea he had worked on for years: the life script. A script is a life plan, made in childhood, reinforced by parents, "justified" by later events, and heading for an ending chosen long in advance. Most of it runs outside awareness. The word comes from the theatre: cast, plot and final act are sketched before the curtain rises. Berne thought the outline was largely

in place by the age of five or six, and he sorted scripts by their endings: winning, non-winning and losing.

TA insists that the script is decided, not simply imposed. Faced with a confusing or frightening situation, a child reaches script decisions: conclusions such as I'll be safe if I never cause trouble. Given what a small child knows, the decision may be the best one available. Later, it can become a cage.

2

TEXT 2 · CONTINUED

A Plan Made in Childhood

Script decisions respond to messages from parents and others. Some are open and approved, the household slogans: work hard, be nice, don't make a fuss. TA calls this layer the counterscript; Claude Steiner described it as going along with the cultural and social demands passed on through the Parent. Other messages are never spoken aloud. Mary and Robert Goulding called them injunctions: hidden prohibitions, most of which can be summed up in a sentence beginning "Don't…". Their redecision therapy helps clients revisit

such decisions and make new ones. That work belongs in a therapist's room, and this lesson leaves it there.

Critics, some of them inside TA, call script analysis too psychoanalytic and too reductive. The evidence is hard to gather: scripts are reconstructed by adults looking back, through memories already shaped by the story they tell about themselves. Supporters reply that the aim is change, not proof: a decision, once seen, can be re-decided.

Five drivers

In the early 1970s, studying video recordings, Taibi Kahler noticed five tiny, repeated behaviours that came just before people slipped into distress. He called them drivers. Each lasts only seconds, recurs many times a day, and carries a hidden condition: I'm OK if…. Kahler set them out with Hedges Capers in "The Miniscript" (1974) and in a 1975 paper; the work won the ITAA's Eric Berne Memorial Scientific Award in 1977. He placed drivers in the counterscript.

Be Perfect

I'm OK if I get everything right.

Please Others

(Kahler first wrote Please Me)

I'm OK if people are pleased with me.

Try Hard

I'm OK if I keep trying.

Be Strong

I'm OK if I don't show what I feel or need.

Hurry Up

I'm OK if I do it fast.

Drivers self-check

PRIVATE

Task Privately, give each statement a number. Then add up your pairs using the key. Keep your numbers to yourself.

1 strongly agree · 2 mostly agree · 3 on the fence · 4 mostly disagree · 5 strongly disagree

1. I go back over finished work to check it one more time.

6. A small mistake in my work can bother me for days.

2. I find it hard to say no when someone asks for help.

7. I often wonder whether people are happy with me.

3. I start new projects before I've finished the old ones.

8. I say "I'll try" more often than "I will".

4. I'd rather cope alone than admit I'm struggling.

9. I keep my feelings to myself, even with people I trust.

5. I get restless when things move slowly.

10. I leave things to the last minute, then rush.

Key: 1 + 6 Be Perfect · 2 + 7 Please Others · 3 + 8 Try Hard · 4 + 9 Be Strong · 5 + 10 Hurry Up. Your lowest total may point to your strongest driver, today, in today's mood.

Gift or cost?

Task Don't share your scores. For each driver, agree one strength it brings to work or study and one cost. Then discuss at least two questions.

1. Which driver does the school system where you grew up reward most?

2. Are drivers just personality traits with dramatic names?

3. Can a whole company, or a whole country, have a driver?

4. Is Hurry Up a problem, or simply modern life?

5. Which driver would you want in a surgeon? In a friend?

CASE STUDY

The Reliable One

Task Read Leila's story. Underline any phrase that sounds like a decision, a slogan or a driver.

Leila Haddad was born in Beirut, the eldest of four. When she was eight, her mother spent most of a year in hospital, and her father worked double shifts at the family pharmacy. Leila packed lunches, checked homework and settled arguments. Her father called her "my little captain". One night she heard him tell a neighbour, "Thank God for Leila. She never asks for anything."

At school she collected top marks and a reputation: if a group project was failing, give it to Leila. When a teacher praised a classmate's untidy but brilliant essay, Leila spent the weekend rewriting her own, which had already received the top grade.

She studied engineering in Lyon and became a project manager in Dubai.

CASE STUDY · CONTINUED

The Reliable One

Colleagues brought her their problems; she rarely brought hers to anyone. She answered emails at midnight and apologised for answering them late. Two long relationships ended with almost the same sentence: "You don't need me." Privately, she thought: It's quicker if I do it myself.

Her younger brother, Karim, grew up in the same flat and went the other way. He left two degree

courses, laughed at deadlines and asked everyone for help.

At forty-three, after a large project collapsed, Leila's doctor signed her off work for two months with exhaustion. For the first time in her life she had nothing to do for anyone, and she found it unbearable. In the third week she joined a pottery class, where she was, for once, the worst student in the room. She kept going.

Reading Leila's script

Task In groups, answer questions 1–4, quoting a phrase from the case as evidence for each. Then everyone argues question 5 and the group takes a vote.

1. Find two script decisions Leila may have made. Roughly how old was she?

2. Which drivers can you see? Give one phrase for each.

3. Where would you put Leila on the OK Corral most of the time? And when things go wrong?

4. Karim grew up in the same flat. Does his story support the idea of scripts, or undermine it?

5. Is "script" a useful lens for Leila's life, or a fatalistic one? Give the strongest reason on each side, then vote.

Script, fate or story?

1. Do cultures and nations hand down scripts, as families do? Give an example from where you live.

2. Can a five-year-old really "decide" anything? Does the word matter?

3. Is a life script any different from a horoscope: vague enough to fit anyone?

4. Who writes more of a young person's script today: parents, school or social media?

5. Berne sorted lives into winning, non-winning and losing. Whose idea of "winning" is that?

6. If scripts exist, should schools teach children about them?

Private writing

Task Choose one prompt and write privately for five minutes. Nobody will read what you write, and sharing afterwards is optional. Write only what you are comfortable writing.

Prompt 1

Think of a saying you grew up with, from a family, a school or a culture (for example, "Finish what you start" or "Don't make a fuss"). When has it helped you? When has it got in the way?

Prompt 2 (lighter)

Choose a character from a film, novel or series. What script are they living, and what would it take for them to rewrite it?

This is a seminar, not therapy. If anything today touched something heavy, that's worth taking to someone trained to help.

Back to your guess

Task Check your guesses from "Make a guess". Then say in one sentence: whose starting point do you find more convincing, Harris's or Berne's?

A

I'm OK – You're OK

B

I'm OK – You're not OK

C

I'm not OK – You're OK

D

I'm not OK – You're not OK

1. One famous TA writer claimed that most children reach one of these early in life. Which one?

2. Eric Berne disagreed. Which one did he think people start from?

Before Lesson 10

Next lesson, TA goes on trial.

P

Choose one idea from the module you would defend in court, and one you would put in the dock. Bring one piece of evidence for each: an example, a study or a story.

A

Bring your numbers from the four statements in Lesson 1, if you kept them. We'll find out whether nine lessons have moved anyone.

C

TEACHER'S REFERENCE · SKIP OR DELETE BEFORE CLASS

Answer key

MAKE A GUESS

1 C (I'm not OK – You're OK). This was Thomas Harris's claim in I'm OK – You're OK.

2 A (I'm OK – You're OK). Berne believed people start out OK and learn a not-OK position.

3 Open: no single answer.

SORT ONTO THE GRID some are arguable; reward a well-argued alternative

• Get-On-With (I'm OK – You're OK): B, H

• Get-Rid-Of (I'm OK – You're not OK): A, E

• Get-Away-From (I'm not OK – You're OK): C, F

• Get-Nowhere-With (I'm not OK – You're not OK): D, G

READING LEILA'S SCRIPT suggested readings; questions 3–5 are open

1 Possible script decisions, around age eight: I'm OK only if I'm useful; I must never ask for anything; I have to be in charge ("my little captain"). A later echo at school: only the best is good enough.

2 Be Strong: "She never asks for anything"; "she rarely brought hers to anyone". Please Others: colleagues bring her their problems; she "apologised for answering them late". Be Perfect: rewriting an essay that already had the top grade. Hurry Up (weaker evidence): emails at midnight; "It's quicker if I do it myself."

3 Open. Most of the time, a case for I'm OK – You're not OK ("It's quicker if I do it myself"; others can't cope without her) and a case for I'm not OK – You're OK, held up by conditions (OK only while useful; apologising). Under pressure, the collapse and the "unbearable" weeks suggest a slide towards not-OK.

4 Open. Support: the same household produced two different scripts, which fits TA's claim that children decide rather than simply absorb. Undermine: if anything can follow from the same childhood, the theory explains everything after the fact and predicts nothing.